Are you (*^&#@ Kidding me???

So the day started like many other in the last 2 months, I was up early feeding Isabelle only today would be the day I would go back to work full time. I was very apprehensive about it because I really wasn't ready to leave her behind. This will sound horrible when I say it but with the other 2 I was ready to go back, I think it was because I didn't truly appreciate all the memories that were going to be made in the weeks and months to come once I went back to work. I also think I was in a much more selfish place and worried more about me and my needs. So not the case these days!!!

So the commute started like it had many weeks prior I was sitting in traffic in all the same places as before and listening to the same morning DJ's rattling on about current events,the morning weather and traffic.

I arrived at the office and was greeted by familiar faces, surprised faces and welcoming faces. I enjoyed hearing people coo over the baby pictures I had to share and telling me how good I looked for just having had a baby.

Then I met with my boss a mere 25 minutes after my arrival . He greeted me with a hearty hello and hug, looked at pictures of Isabelle and then asked me to come see him in his office.

I walk in and he shuts the door, tells me how wonderful it is to have me back but that he is sorry to have to give me some not so pleasant news on my first day back. I brace myself, certain that all of the blood in my face has rushed out. "Our project has been permanently shut down" those words ring in my ear. Months earlier I suffered the blow that it was put on hold till 2010. I had fears that the end result would be no project at all, but I kept hopefully thinking the delay was for the best and would allow me to enjoy my leave relatively stress free. I knew there was a possibility that it would never get off the ground after our initial delay but I remained hopefully for me and for my team. Those hopes were now in ruins.

To add to my shocking news I would also need to completely redo my budget for 2010 which was due by Thursday that week and in redoing that budget I must cut 2 people from my team for 2010 and cut them as soon as possible. Are you &$#(%@ kidding me?????? Welcome back!!!

I spent the rest of the day fielding comments like "I am so sorry" and "You'll be fine" along with looks of sadness from fellow colleagues as though I had just lost my best friend or a puppy. It was all I had not to scream at them "stop, stop looking at me like I am a pathetic mess!" I went home angry, although I finally did smile when I saw the kids. But I was still really mad.

I have since informed my team of the decision, I am in the process of looking for other opportunities within the organization for them as well as trying to figure out how I will reinvent myself. I am lucky in that I didn't get fired but I do have some decisions to make in the coming weeks.

Bottom line the first week back has sucked!!!!!