Cancer and crap…….

I sincerely doubt that I have any readers left since I seem to have fallen of the blog earth in most respects for good reasons.

I must say that I miss the interaction and the support I derive from blogging and I am hoping some of my blogging world friends will rally around me during this difficult time.

As I have written about, in some of my lasts posts, my husband and I were having some issues earlier this year. I am happy to say that we are working through them and I feel the worst part of the storm is over and we are coming out of it stronger than we were before.

The kids are doing great Lauren is now a rising 3rd grader and is growing more mature by the day. Jackson is a rising 1st grader and he amazes me everyday with the thought provoking questions he asks. Isabelle will be one in a little over a month, boy how time flies! She has started to take some steps but nothing consistent, but she is itching to run after her older brother and sister.

On to the cancer title of this post….. For the last several months my mother has complained of not feeling well. She has not seen a Dr. in well over 25 years by her own choice as during this time she had healthcare but had a complete and utter aversion to Dr. hospitals and all that came with it. Explains why she never came to the hospital when I had the 3 kids. Anyway about 6 weeks ago I received a call early on a Saturday morning from my mother saying she couldn’t breathe. I rushed to her house to find her laboring to breathe and wanting only go to the urgent care center. I of course insisted on the major hospital because in my gut I knew something was not right. She reluctantly agreed and off we went. She was seen in the ER and they started tests as soon as she sat down. An x-ray and blood work was done first and confirmed fluid in her lung and infection, we then moved on to a CT scan. Which showed legions “too numerous to count” on her Lungs and Uterus. Right then I knew my world was going to forever be changed.

Fast forward a bit, my mother was in the hospital for 6 days during that time we dealt with the removal of fluid from her lung, an infection which has still yet to be identified, high blood pressure and decreased oxygen levels and a surgical biopsy of her uterus in which they weren’t able to fully take her under for fear they would lose her during surgery due to her breathing issues. I was informed by every Dr who spoke to me that Hospice should be brought in as her time was anywhere from a couple of months to a high side of 10 months.

My main focus through all of this was to get her stable and get her home, the fear in her eyes each time someone came in will haunt me forever. We were finally given the diagnosis of Stage IV uterine cancer, which has metastases to the lungs, among other issues.

Chemo was ordered and started within the week, mom tolerated it OK but has since continued to go down hill, her blood pressure is still high even on meds and her breathing issues have yet again returned, she has lost 15lbs in a matter of 3 weeks due to her lack of appetite and her tumor markers have nearly quadrupled in 2 weeks.

Early last week she informed me that she would not continue Chemo as she feels it is not helping and doesn’t see the use in it. I have told her I will respect her wishes no matter what she ultimately decides. So today we are speaking with the oncologist to inform her of her decision. This appt will be hard because the question will need to be asked about prognosis without chemo and I am sure the prognosis will not be good.

I am not dealing with this well on many levels and I am ashamed that I am not able to be stronger for my mom, but I am doing the best I can. There is a long history here that is hard to overcome however I am stepping up. Yet through all of this my mom has still kept me at an arms length and treated me as though I have somehow inflicted this on her when all I am trying to do is manage this horrible process. She basically shuts down whenever I try to talk to her.

If you are still reading this I ask that you say a prayer not only for my mom to have a peaceful painless time though this journey but also a prayer for me and my family as we try our best to deal with the hand that has been dealt to us.