Why???

Ever wonder to yourself why??? Why am I getting up this early, why do I have to work? why am I not as happy as I feel I should be why why why??? Well that is my feeling today. I feel as though I have placed myself in a box that I have no way to get out of. I love working and being able to give my family nice things but honestly it is starting to bring me down I am constantly running from thing to thing. If it isn't a crying child, it's dinner, if it isn't dinner, it's a load of laundry, if not that then one of a million other things. I am readying a book called Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and in it she talks about her time in Italy and how the Italians have no guilt about enjoying life yet we here in America do. As I was listening to the book (because who has the time to read) I thought... guilt for enjoying life, hell I am not even enjoying life how can I have guilt. Boy that says something doesn't it!

I also feel incredible pain right now in my marriage, I love my husband he has helped me to become what I am today but unfortunately in this life of go go go that we have created, he ends up last on the the to do list. Now one might say well that is an easy fix just move him to the top, while I might agree under normal circumstances I feel as though we have become strangers and it is hard to make that kind of change when you aren't sure what the reaction will be or when you know what the reaction will be. Worse yet when you feel that you are both growing apart and don't have the flame there that you once had. The fire that could get you through anything. How do you recapture that? Can you recapture that?

I am looking back at what I have written and I am starting to think I am a prime candidate for some sort of depression drug, scary but maybe that is what I need to put a clearer vision on my life. The idea makes me sad and makes me feel as though I am a failure should I be able to handle life without the need to medicate? Do I just need to make a lifestyle change? But what if that change ends up taking me further down the dark road that I seem to be on? What then? As I have been told there are no do overs in this life and I don't want to misstep, for fear of losing everything.